i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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