On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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