the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize