I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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