The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize