That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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