you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
it's great music for shaving your balls
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
