just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
