Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
