Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
