Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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