I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
