It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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