Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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