the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
