I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
