i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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