I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Randomize
