mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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