I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I faked an abortion last night.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
