Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
