I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
This is my gift to your gina
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize