I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
