The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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