Im at strip club and am horny
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
