when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
