please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
