Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
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