Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
