You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
