what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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