Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
