Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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