Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
