Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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