i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
