I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize