He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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