I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
