After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
