i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
