the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
its not stalking. its research.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize