i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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