Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
