im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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