We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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