The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
