I'm laying in your front yard are you home
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
