Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
