No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
soo... how was my night?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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