I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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