I think I am morally bankrupt
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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