my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
