i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
