i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
