I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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