HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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