i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize