I think I just saw someone hide a body.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
