$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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