I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
