I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
