i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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