My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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