Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
