I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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